


Longview

by b_ndito



Category: Hiveswap, Homestuck
Genre: Bands, Homophobia, Human AU, Humanstuck, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Secret Relationship, also everyones all grown up / or at least not in high school anymore, bullying/mentions of past bullying, essentially this is like a coming-out story but also... not, gotta love all those rock and roll kids, i just really think xef and daraya would make good friends for some reason, little punk babies i love them all, pretty much all i write is xefdam but i swear i like more ships than just this one omg, secret dates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-26
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2019-05-29 02:16:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15062843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/b_ndito/pseuds/b_ndito
Summary: "I mean, dude. I know that you're gay, and I'm totally fine with it."Xefros tried not to crack a smile but started laughing anyways, burying his face in the other's chest."Well, gee, I would hope my boyfriend is fine with me being gay." he giggled. "If not then I'd say we have some things to discuss."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> started writing this for pride month (:
> 
> so i've figured out this nifty little calculation in which shorter chapters = easier to write = more frequent updates
> 
> and thus it begins
> 
> also i named this after the song i was listening to while writing the second chapter because im bad w/ naming fics

"Shit! I think I forgot my microphone,"  
  
   _He was lying._  
  
    "I'll go grab it really quick. Be right back!"  
  
     _Again._  
  
    Xefros excused himself from his bandmates and jogged back to the stage. The two girls sitting in the front of the car exchanged glances. Seated in the driver's seat, Daraya turned on the radio, kicked the seat back, and crossed her arms.  
  
    When the other girl, Elwurd - who was new to the band - watched him duck behind the curtain in disbelief, Daraya explained that he'd be a few minutes, and to get used to this guy losing his mic.  
      
    "I know. That's the what - third time this week? - that he's forgotten his microphone. Last week was the same. You'd think he might - I don't know - maybe remember it by now?" Elwurd commented, annoyed. "Every time we have a gig with that other band, he loses that damn thing. What the hell!"  
  
    Daraya shrugged. "He just gets distracted, I think."  
  
    "Do we have to wait, though? I would've just driven here myself if I would have known he'd forget his shit again."  
  
    "Well..." the other girl thought it over. "I guess I can swing around your place and drop you off. It's not too far, and he takes a while to find it anyways."  
  
    "Good."  
  
    Starting the engine, Daraya pulled out of the bar's parking lot and left.  
  
    When they had reached their destination, Elwurd bid her bandmate goodbye. "Next time we're gigged with The Rebels, I'm driving myself. Text me whenever you guys are ready to practice again."  
  
    The other girl nodded. "Will do."  
  
    Before walking towards the front of the house, Elwurd turned around and added. "And by that I mean, whenever every member of The Grubs is prepared, you know. All three of us, including Xefros."  
  
    Daraya snickered and waved good-bye. As she was about to start the car back up, her phone buzzed with a text message:  
  
   **i eXpect that from L but not from you daraya  
    not cool X:(  
    anyways im here waiting in the parking lot in case you were wondering**  
      
    She texted a reply.  
  
  **figured i'd just drop her off reAl quick since You normAllY tAke A while to find Your mic  
    sorrY. on mY wAY now**  
  
    Elwurd did have a point, Daraya figured, as she pulled into the parking lot to the bar. Xefros, 99.9% of the time, forgot his microphone when they shared a gig with that other band, and only when they played with that band. He was always leaving it in different places, it seemed. If it wasn't his microphone, it was something else that he had forgotten. His phone. His wallet. His arm, for god's sake. It was repetitive and annoying.  
  
    "Thanks." Xefros said as he climbed into the passenger's seat and shut the door. "Found it." He gave her a smile and held up the microphone, as if it were evidence.   
  
    The car ride to his apartment that night was quiet, much quieter than normal. The two were quite close, and would usually have something - anything - to talk about, but Daraya was lost in her thoughts, confused, trying to make sense out of something that didn't really matter. She didn't care that her friend was so forgetful. She could care less, but Elwurd had really pointed something out to her, something she hadn't noticed.  
  
    "Is someone from that other band picking on you?" Daraya asked at a red light.  
  
    "What?"  
  
    "Like, is someone screwing with you, taking your microphone or whatever?"  
  
    Xefros turned his head and looked out the window, perhaps trying to appear nonchalant, but failing. "Nah."  
  
    "You sure?" Checking that the light was still red - which it was - she turned to him and placed hand on his shoulder. "It seems like you're always losing it when we're playing nights with them. If someone's giving you a problem, you can tell me. We'll get it sorted out."  
  
    She hadn't been very close with him in high school, but knew that he had been a favorite among bullies. The Rebels' lead singer, Chixie, was quite friendly, maybe a bit too friendly, but definitely showed no signs of a mean streak. Still not off the hook, but Daraya would be keeping her on the suspect board. The only other two that Daraya could see being aggressive were their bassist and the drummer. The bassist was a loud guy, the really obnoxious kind, and she had witnessed more than a few of his arrogant moments. The drummer was rude, obsessive, and only had nice things to say about himself. Both were definitely bully material. She just didn't know the names of either.  
  
    He just shrugged, as if he hadn't noticed it. "I'm sure."  
  
    The light turned green. Positive that she wouldn't be able to get much more out of him, she closed the case for now and continued towards her friend's apartment.  
      
    As he was waving good-bye and walking in front of the headlights towards the door, Daraya noticed that he had left the mic in the seat. Maybe he really was just terrible at keeping up with his stuff, maybe he wasn't being picked on.   
  
    "You forgot something." she called, rolling down the window.  
  
    Walking towards Daraya's window, he gave her a questioning look, which quickly evolved into embarrassment when he caught sight of the mic in her hand. "Sorry."  
  
    With a final wave good-bye, she backed out and left.  
  
    Xefros shuffled up to the door of his apartment and unlocked the door. As he stepped inside, he pulled out his phone to check the time and discarded the microphone on the table. He had almost been caught.  
  
    Apparently, his behavior had been noticed, and apparently, he hadn't been coming up with good enough excuses. Like, come on, how long did he really think anyone would buy his microphone excuse? Daraya had never seemed to question it too much before, but their new guitarist, Elwurd, was not having any of it. She wasn't quick to hide her annoyance with him.  
  
    Whatever, Elwurd could complain about it all day, whatever. He didn't owe her anything. He had a date to get ready for. A real date, this time. Like, a not hanging-out-at each other's place kind of date.  
  
    Maybe he should at least tell Daraya. It didn't feel right to be lying to her. As far as he knew, she had never lied to him, after all.  
  
    Was it that big of a deal? No, probably not, but her reaction very well could be that big of a deal.  
  
    He made his way to his room to change out of the clothes he had worn for the band's performance and into some regular clothes. Trading one pair of shoes out for another, he checked the time again: 11:27 pm. Okay, so he still had a few minutes.   
  
    He felt a bit stupid, messing with his hair a little bit in the mirror. Okay, no, he felt really stupid. It wasn't _that_ kind of date. He didn't have to look great, just decent. Okay, okay, no he wanted to look... maybe a little nice? Just a little.  
  
    His phone alerted him of a text message. He didn't even have to look at the screen to know who it was.  
  
     **i think we missed the m0vie but i'm n0t w0rried ab0ut it iF y0u're n0t. i mean we c0uld just g0 t0 a later sh0wing, iF anything.**  
  
    Xefros looked up some other times for the movie before texting a reply.  
  
  **no that was the last showing for tonight X:(  
    were only off by like 20 minutes do you still want to go**  
  
     **well yeah we can. iF y0u want t0. hey neither 0F 0ur bands have any gigs t0m0rr0w right. i kn0w we d0n't but d0 y0u guys.**  
  
   **no  
    and i know were not practicing either tomorrow**  
      
 **g00d s0 we're b0th Free.**  
  
     **ya X:)  
    ok well ill meet you at the theater, see you in a few**  
  
     **0kay**


	2. Chapter 1, view 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kind of a filler to show what was going on while daraya was driving elwurd home

"Shit! I think I forgot my microphone, I'll go grab it really quick. Be right back!"  
  
    Xefros excused himself from his bandmates and jogged back to the stage. Ducking under the curtain, he was greeted by an empty platform. The instruments had all been collected and were likely being carted back home right now.   
  
    He noticed the table, where the performers had left empty cups and a few plates. Tonight had been awesome, they were getting quite a bit of attention at this bar, enough to where the staff had offered free food and (nonalcoholic) drinks, complimentary to them performing. Maybe, hopefully, soon they would start getting paid to play. That was the grand plan, after all. To be requested by an audience, what an honor that would be.   
  
    Nothing made Xefros more excited about performing here than when he heard that The Grubs would be playing with The Rebels, another band. They were often paired to play either before or after the other band, apparently to keep up with a rock-and-roll theme for those nights. For now, The Grubs were happy to play for free. You have to start somewhere, right?   
  
    He collected his microphone from the back, where performers were usually warming up. He had purposefully misplaced it back here, all so that he would have an excuse to return once everyone had left.   
  
    He couldn't be open about what his actual intentions were. He was too afraid. Embarrassed, even.  
  
    Standing around for a few minutes, he tried to look busy, should anyone happen upon him back here. He pretended to tie his shoe, untying and then retying it to waste time.  
  
    "Was that real a crowd out there, or what?"  
  
    Xefros sighed in relief and smiled at the recognition of the voice. Retying his shoe for the last time, he stood up to approach the speaker, who seemed to be approaching him as well: the drummer from The Rebels, Dammek.  
  
    "Yeah, I guess it was." he said shyly.  
  
    "Probably the biggest we've had yet. It surprised me though, how many drunk people were singing along."  
  
    He felt arms wrap around him and returned the embrace. "What? Why?"  
  
    Dammek, the taller of the two, rested his chin on Xefros's head. "How can they remember lyrics when they're drunk off their asses?"  
  
    Xefros snickered. Yeah, it was strange. Perhaps they could remember because they had heard them perform so often. Even if it was only a few times a week, the crowd was almost always filled with the same faces.  
  
    He nervously looked around the two of them, making sure no one was watching, before moving in close for a kiss. Xefros had always been wary of people finding out, of them mocking the two of them or insulting them.  
  
    After just a second or two, Dammek broke away and frowned. "You don't have to do that every time, you know."  
  
    "Don't have to do what?" Xefros tried to act oblivious, but he knew exactly what the other was talking about.  
  
    "Xefros, you don't have to look around. No one's here. No one's going to see, no one will know."  
  
    "Sorry." Xefros mumbled. "I'm just paranoid, I guess."  
  
    Sighing, Dammek ran a few fingers through Xefros's hair affectionately. He stopped and made a serious face. "I mean, dude. I know that you're gay, and I'm totally fine with it."  
  
    Xefros tried not to crack a smile but started laughing anyways, burying his face in the other's chest.   
  
    "Well, gee, I would hope my boyfriend is fine with me being gay." he giggled. "If not then I'd say we have some things to discuss."  
  
    "No, it's fine. I don't mind." Dammek replied, adding, "but that would make for an interesting conversation."  
  
    Xefros shook his head and smiled, bringing his face back up to land another kiss. "One day, just not today."  
  
    Dammek nodded. "Okay. Are you doing anything later?"  
  
    Xefros looked at him and frowned. "Dude, it _is_ later."  
  
    "Oh, right." The other guy checked the time on his phone. "Well, I was thinking, maybe we could, I don't know, do something? Maybe a movie or whatever. Something super generic."  
  
    "A movie?"  
  
    "Yeah. I figured that might be a better option, as opposed to literally anything else."  
  
    Xefros wore a puzzled look on his face. "Like, together? In public?"  
  
    "If you don't want to, it's fine." Dammek wasn't normally one to blush, but some color filled his face. "I just thought a date might be a good idea, but I get it of you don't want to."  
  
    "No, a movie sounds good. I want to, but..." Xefros started. He didn't want to explain, and luckily, he didn't have to.  
  
    Dammek thought about it. "We could just, you know, go to the movies, like good friends do, that's normal. Nothing wrong with that, no one will get suspicious."  
  
    Xefros considered it. "I think they're still playing that one action movie, with that one guy?"  
  
    "Very specific."  
  
    "You know what I'm talking about. We could catch it, I think."  
  
    Dammek nodded. "Hell yeah. And it'll be perfect, because it's so late. No one will really be out." He grinned. "And the room will be dark, so we could make ou-"  
  
    "Dammek, I said I'd go, don't push it." Xefros said, feeling his face grow warm. "Okay, Daraya and Elwurd are probably waiting for me, I'll see you tonight?"  
  
    The other nodded in response to Xefros's question, planting a kiss to the side of his head. The two held hands while waking towards the curtain, breaking contact just seconds before emerging.  
  
    Xefros made a point to not wave goodbye, to not even acknowledge him as his car pulled away, so that anyone who saw would make no connection between the two of them. He just wasn't ready to come out in the open about it. High school had been absolute hell because people were suspicious of his sexuality. He could only imagine what it'd be like if people knew now, since his world was almost only filled with adults, who could say what they wanted, who could cast any glares they wanted, who could shut him out, because this was adulthood, and treatment was different.   
  
    He at least had some protection as a kid, he could go home on the weekends or could skip a class or two. Now, he had obligations and responsibilities, all of which involved interacting with other people who could judge him if they so wanted to.  
  
    He couldn't even tell his best friend, Joey, who had moved away about a year ago, because they still talked quite often. He didn't want her to treat him differently because of it.   
      
    There were a few times where he almost told Daraya, because they spent so much time together, and because they had grown so close. He had wanted to tell her, but just couldn't bring himself to do it.  
  
    Noticing the empty space where Daraya's car had been, he put two and two together and felt his stomach turn. Maybe next time, he would just drive himself. Daraya always waited for him, but maybe Elwurd had convinced her otherwise. He brought his phone out to send a text message and sat on the concrete parking barrier.


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> got a little carried away there with my commitment to shorter chapters :'D whoops
> 
> anyways this chapter was so much fun to write aa but i forgot to save the second half of it while it was in the works and had to re-do it from memory :')))
> 
> definitely gonna be more careful while working on chapter 3 haha

The movie theater was pretty empty when he arrived, so Xefros immediately felt better about the entire scenario.  
  
    Only a few cars here and there to show that anyone cared to see a movie at this hour. Walking up to the front doors of the building, he noticed that Dammek had already arrived, his vehicle parked at the other end of the parking lot. Even though it was dark as hell outside, Xefros knew it was his car because of the glow-in-the dark anarchy sticker on the back window.  
  
    Entering through the doors, he was greeted by tired employees and the sound of a popcorn machine finishing it's last batch.  
  
    "How many tickets?" a woman behind the counter asked, not even bothering to look at him.  
  
    "Just one, please. For Jurassic World."  
  
    The cashier pressed a few keys and ripped a ticket off of a large roll. "$4.50. You do know that the movie's already like a third of the way through, right?"  
  
    He nodded, feeling kind of embarrassed to have her point out such an obvious fact.  
  
    She shrugged at him. "Okay. As long as you know."  
  
    Declining their offers for any movie snacks, he hurried towards the room that was showing the movie, letting out a yelp as he bumped right into some guy standing around the corner on his phone. His first thought was, wow, what an ass, standing out here, all creepy like that, until he saw that it was Dammek. He redacted the mental insult but couldn't stop the verbal one.  
  
    "You ass, what are you doing?" Xefros said in a whisper, brushing himself off. "The cashier said it's like 1/3 of the way through already, and you're standing out here?"  
  
    Dammek shrugged and stuck his phone in his pocket. "Well, yeah, but you weren't here yet. I could've just marched right in there and started it without you, but that would've been a dick move."  
  
    "Right," Xefros replied, surprised that the other had shown consideration. "Okay."  
  
    "Plus," Dammek added, "I would've had to whisper-shout to get your attention so that we could sit together, and hell, if that didn't make it look at least a little bit like a date then I don't know what would. Have to keep the gay a secret."  
  
    Even though Dammek said the last line in annoyance, Xefros still nodded in appreciation. The two had no trouble finding decent seats in the room, and decided upon some that were just a few rows in front of the very back. Throughout the rest of the film, they just kind of filled in the blanks to what they had missed, and whispered heir comments about the events to eachother.  
  
    "Dude, I could so pull off that stunt." Xefros whispered confidently. "No problem."  
  
    "In... heels?"  
  
    "In heels."  
  
    "Dude."  
  
    "She makes it look easy, I'm sure I could do it."  
  
    When the movie drew to a close, and the credits began rolling, people began to get up and leave. Xefros started to rise as well, but Dammek stopped him and motioned for him to sit back into the seat. Unaware of the reasoning behind this, but not suspicious enough to protest, he sat back down and watched the credits as people around them quietly and slowly abandoned their seats, until no one was left except the two of them and the rising words on the large screen.  
  
    Dammek took a few cautious looks around the two of them before sliding an arm across Xefros's shoulders. To this, Xefros instinctively drew closer, still watching the credits roll. With a slow realization of where they were, and what they were displaying, he scolded his own subconscious and looked around them nervously.  
  
    "What are you doing?" he whispered, concerned. He drew away and sat up in the seat.  
  
    "Trying to sit comfortably in the movie theater with my boyfriend."  
  
    " _Shh! Dammek!_ "   
  
    "What?"  
  
    "Don't say that!" Xefros whisper-shouted. "Someone might hear."  
  
    "Who? Xefros, no one's even in here, and the clean-up crew is running late. We can't just sit together - like, together together - just while the credits roll?" Dammek asked in a whisper.  
  
    Xefros shook his head and sighed, a long, annoyed sigh. "Someone might see."  
  
    In response, the other frowned and drew his arm away.   
      
    "If anyone said anything about it, do you really think I'd sit here and let them?" He paused. "A little rebellion never hurt anyone."  
  
    Xefros gave him a doubtful look. "Dammek, a little rebellion killed hundreds - maybe thousands of people in the past."  
  
    "Look," Dammek started. "That's not what I mean. I mean being yourself, entirely yourself, even the parts of you that no one expects, being those parts of yourself, too."   
  
    "You're confusing me," Xefros admitted. "Too many selves."  
  
    The other waited a few moments before speaking again. He touched Xefros's hand.  
  
    "It's okay to be different. It's important to stand up for who you are, because if you won't... then who will? You can't let your fear control you. No one's opinion should ever control you. You have to fight back. I'm willing to fight..."  
  
    Dammek looked down to where their hands touched. "...for this."  
  
    Xefros stared, unsure how to respond, with no way to back up any argument that he had bubbling in the back of his mind. He had always been beaten up about it, had always been put down because others thought he might be different from them. He had never seen any reason to have any hope, to see any reason to be open about what made him different. What people thought about him affected the way he was treated, and it had always left him afraid.  
  
    He was right, about all of it, but Xefros could never show that kind of boldness.  
  
    "I can't," Xefros started, "I'm not like you."  
  
    "Xefros, that's a good thing. Your differences from me - from everyone, from anyone else - should be embraced. If people really have a problem with you because you're different, that's entirely their mistake. People like us shouldn't have to live like this. It isn't right for us to hide who we are just because some jackasses can't keep their mouths shut. Who you are doesn't make you of any less worth than anyone else. You have a right - just like anyone else - to be yourself,"  
  
    He took Xefros's hand in his own. "Your entire self."  
  
    "But," the other began, shakily. He couldn't do it. He wanted to, but he couldn't. He was afraid. He squeezed Dammek's hand and took a deep breath. "What if it all backfires? What if everyone shuts me - us - out? What, then? I don't think I could go through all of it again."  
  
    "Even if people throw names around, even if they give looks - because I'm not going to lie to you - they will, that's what happens when you take a stand for what's right. It has to happen, and your willingness to remain unaffected is what could - no, what will - inspire others to take pride in who they are.  
  
    "But-"  
  
    "I'm not afraid. I don't care if people know. Because you know what? I'd rather be happy and with you then be in the dark and without you."  
  
    Xefros remained quiet, considering the other's words carefully.   
  
    "Okay."  
  
    "Okay?"  
  
    "Yeah," He nodded. "I think."  
  
    Standing up, he pulled Dammek along with him and started for the exit to the room. With the slightest of hesitation, he emerged from the dark room and into the lit area, where the employees still stood, populating the snack counter and having what sounded like a casual conversation. Only a step behind him was Dammek, connected to Xefros by their intertwined fingers, wearing a look of honest surprise and a blush on his face.  
      
    The woman who had sold Xefros his movie ticket stared only briefly, her eyes shifting from their hands and to their faces. She made no acknowledgement to them but was clearly taken aback.  
  
     Behind them, as the doors were closing, Dammek heard a few of them whisper something along the lines of:  
  
    "There were people still in there?"  
  
    "Probably just some stragglers that stayed behind to make-out while everyone left."  
  
    "But they were dudes."  
  
    "You're sure?"  
  
    "No way."  
  
    "Yeah, I think they were."  
  
    Once they had reached the parking lot, Xefros shakily pulled out his keys to unlock his vehicle. He ran his hands down his face, almost shuddering while he breathed, and for a moment, Dammek was concerned that he might pass out.  
  
    "Are you oka-"  
  
    "I can't believe we just did that."  
  
    "Yeah, it was-"  
  
    " _I can't believe we just did that._ "  
  
    Xefros covered his face and took a deep breath. At that, Dammek grabbed him in a half-hug and patted his arm.  
  
    "I can't believe  _you_  just did that," he commented. "I'm honestly pretty shocked."  
  
    Leaning into Dammek, Xefros groaned, mumbling about how he was sorry if he messed up.  
  
    "No, no, I meant that in a good way. I'm shocked that you really did that. Xefros, that was great."  
  
    Deciding that yeah, maybe he was right, even if it was no big deal, just walking out f the movie theaters, that was great. Xefros felt a spark of courage and had an idea. Maybe he could tell Joey, and maybe he could open up to Daraya, too. They were his friends, after all, and not some strangers who worked behind the snack counter in a movie theater, who knew nothing about him. He had no reason to be afraid of telling them, right? He could do it. Tomorrow, even. Maybe.  
  
    Xefros slung an arm around Dammek, pulling him down, and gave him a kiss, one that he hadn't quite given in a while, that left Dammek covering his mouth afterwards and blushing hysterically.  
  
    "Thank you." Xefros said, opening his car door to climb inside.  
  
    Still dazed and surprised, Dammek asked what he was being thanked for, to which Xefros grinned.  
  
    "For the speech."  
  
    When he arrived back to his apartment, he collapsed in bed and almost immediately fell asleep. Tomorrow, he would call Joey and tell her. He was going to do it. She was his best friend. She wouldn't say anything to hurt him. Tomorrow, he was going to reveal himself, and Joey would be in on the secret.  
  
    First, he would sleep. He was exhausted, both emotionally and physically.  
    


	4. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been doing a lot of analyzing, and found that in this AU Dammek doesn't seem as spot-on as what he seems to be like in Hiveswap. Please remember that this is a human!AU, and so I've done this on purpose c: I figured that an AU with a softer species should produce softer character traits as opposed to the regular old nature of trolls and life on Alternia.
> 
> ANYWAYS, this was so much fun to write and I'm really excited to bring on this chapter, so here we go!! It's the chapter with a lot of highlights that inspired this entire fic in the first place :D
> 
> Writing emotions and causing characters pain is just my favorite!! <3 I hope you enjoy!

Xefros hovered his mouse over the video-chat icon. Was he really ready for this? Sure he was, it was no big deal. It was no big deal. It was no bi-

 

“Hey, are you alright?”

 

Dammek’s voice cut right through his thoughts, just like it always did. Xefros sighed and shook his head. He really wanted to do this. Why was he being such a big baby about it?

 

Resting his chin on Xefros’s shoulder, Dammek peeked at the laptop screen. With Xefros sitting at the table, the initial plan was for it to go just like it always did, a normal video chat between him and Joey. Except, this time, he would have Dammek purposefully walk by in the background, hoping that would prompt Joey to ask who was there with him. To which, Xefros would say…

 

“What if she gets weirded out?” he wondered aloud. 

 

The other just grunted in response. He wasn’t worried at all about this. It was either that, or he was putting on a show as a means to help Xefros relax. It wasn’t working. It never works.

 

He had been so sure that this was what he wanted to do. Yesterday, he had been so sure.

 

“Dammek, help me out here,” Xefros whispered, propping his elbows on the table and holding his head in his hands, “she’s been known to be a bit judgemental in the past. Maybe I should just throw in the towel.”

 

With a hum, Dammek turned his face so that he could press a light kiss to Xefros’s cheek, making the other chuckle despite his anxiety.

 

With Xefros momentarily distracted, Dammek seized the opportunity to click on the call button for him. While the video call to Joey engaged, Xefros stared at the screen in horror before turning to look angrily at Dammek, who had dashed away out of the camera’s view. 

 

The other simply mouthed “I love you!” and flashed him the rock-and-roll sign with his hand.

So this was it, then, he was going to do it, this was happening.

 

Joey answered in a timely manner, just as she always did. She rarely, if ever, missed one of Xefros’s calls. He tried not to break out a sweat but it was too late for that.

 

“Hey!” Joey chirped through the screen, which indicated that she had answered from her phone rather than her laptop. “How did you guys do the other night?”

 

“Joey…! Hey! Ha, we uh- yeah, we did- uh, we rocked it. How’s Tessie?” Xefros said, trying to keep it cool. He was failing, oh god, was he failing right now, and the glint in Joey’s eyes showed that she had caught on. 

 

She smiled at him, regardless. “That’s awesome. She’s doing better, now. Not as sick anymore.” Joey’s dog, Tesseract, had fallen ill recently. Her father had suggested that they put the dog to sleep, but Joey protested, saying that she would put her veterinarian studies from college to good use. “She’s lived such a long life, I just want her to live an even longer one, you know?”

 

Xefros nodded. He loved that dog, too.

 

“So, when are you gonna-” Joey broke eye contact with Xefros to look behind him. “Uh, hello there?” She drops her voice to whisper, “ Who’s that?”

 

_ Oh. Oh no. Here we go. Here we go.  _

 

Turning around and shuddering internally, he saw Dammek standing there, waving at Joey on the screen. He turned back to Joey, feeling his heart hammer right through his chest.

 

“Oh! Joey, this is, um, Dammek,”  _ One, two, three.  _ Quietly, he added, “My boyfriend.”

 

Without missing a beat, Joey’s face lit up with a grin. “Xefros! I didn’t know you were dating anyone! Hi, Dammek! Dammek, hi! I’m Joey!”

 

He felt his entire soul leave his body, he swore.

 

“Hi.” Dammek said simply, waving again. “Xefros has told me a lot about you.”

 

“That’s a shame. He hasn’t said a word to me about you! How long have you two been dating? When did you meet? How did you meet?” Joey chirped.

 

Xefros felt his face grow red, and he covered it with his hands. “Joey, please.”

 

“Almost a year, I think… We met, uh, about two years ago? We had detention together one time in highschool.” Dammek answered.

 

The girl on the screen laughed. “A year and a half? Xefros!”

 

By the time the long conversation had begun to die down, Dammek had already pulled up a chair next to Xefros in front of the laptop so that the three could all talk. Joey made absolutely no comments on Xefros’s relationship with Dammek, and for that, he was thankful. Why had he been so worried about it in the first place? This was Joey. She was his best friend, she would never put him on the spot over something as minor as his sexuality. All that anxiety over absolutely noth-

 

“Hey, Xefros, mind if I ask you something? While it’s just the two- three of us? You know… about the elephant in the room?” she inquired with a soft smile.

 

He was numb, wide-eyed, frozen in place - and preparing for the worst. Oh no. No, no, no. Not Joey. She wouldn’t. She wouldn’t.

 

“What’s up?” he consented, sounding as casual as his voice would allow. Internally, he was shrieking. Sobbing. Breaking down. His voice was cracking, despite his best efforts. “Go ahead.”

 

Dammek rested an elbow discreetly on Xefros’s thigh, as if to remind him of his presence. Like,  _ Hey, I’m right here, it’s fine. You’re fine. _

 

Joey’s expression lost a shade of informality. Her features were suddenly less soft; more serious. “Remember senior year in high school, when you tried out for the football team?”

 

He nodded, his mind functioning well enough to process the question and construct a response. Football, ah, that had been fun. When he was younger, he had always been more of a baseball guy, but found the other sport pretty enjoyable from time to time. The coach was surprised to find out that he had never participated too much with football, save for a few times in his life, given that he was pretty hecking good at it.

 

Of course, as luck would have it, he didn’t make it to the field. Er, well, no, actually,  _ he did make the team, _ but he quit before practice had even started. He would forever be haunted by the images of the other guys mocking him, saying things like:

 

_ “Oh! How convenient for you; joining the team just so you can get a show in the guy’s locker room!” _

 

_ “Shouldn’t homos like you be giving fashion advice? What are you doing wasting your time with sports, pretty boy?” _

 

_ “You’re only here because the coach feels sorry for you. He’d be out of the job if he denied a spot on the team to a fag.” _

 

He couldn't  take it. It was bad enough to be thrown around in the hallways, but now, this? When he was just trying to have fun and join a fucking sports team?

 

In a sudden outburst of rage, he had punched the quarterback in the face and landed himself in detention for a solid two weeks. That’s how he had met Dammek, the kid who was constantly doing the opposite of what was instructed with the confidence of an action hero. It was admiration at first sight. Love had followed after.

 

“Okay, remember how you were so excited about it? You wouldn’t stop talking about it. You made me promise to attend all of your games, wanted to teach me how to throw and catch the ball, asked me to watch some games on TV to show me how it worked, asked me to join the cheer squad just so we could hang out when you practiced.” 

 

She laughed at herself. “Of course, we both knew I wouldn’t have ever said yes to trying for the squad, but didn’t I agree to everything else? You know I could care less about sports. But because you were so passionate about it, I wanted to support you. Because you’re my best friend, so it didn’t matter, because you were so happy.”

 

Xefros cast his gaze downward and nodded. Yeah, he remembered. He knew where she was going with this. He could already tell where this was going.

 

“I’ve always sort of known, Xefros,” her eyes shift from him, to Dammek, and then back again. “About your… preferences, you know. It hurts me that you thought it was something you needed to hide from me.”

 

He felt like he might throw up. Or break down and cry. Or both. Turning to look at Xefros, Dammek shifted uncomfortably in the midst of the tension between Xefros and Joey. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Xefros said, repeatedly, shaking now, crying,  _ ew, gross, he was crying, _ why was he crying? And in front of the two most important people in his world right now, breaking, caving in. Each time he apologized it seemed to have less and less meaning, and so to make up for it he apologized again, only to be stuck in an endless cycle with his face covered by his hands and his shoulders to shudder, in an endless cycle that left him crying as Dammek tried to comfort him and Joey tried to make him stop.

 

Now she was visibly distraught, her eyes growing red as though she was holding her own tears back. This was a mess. This was a mistake.

 

This had been a terrible mistake. How long had Joey been hurting over this? How long had Xefros made her feel like she wasn’t worthy to know all the details about him? Why had he allowed that to strike her as a possibility? No, Joey was the one person, above his dad, above Dammek, above Daraya, above everyone, who would always have, and should’ve always been granted full access to everything about him, no questions asked. She had always proved herself to be worthy of something like that, time and time again, she had proved herself. She had always been there for him, had always been his friend when everyone else left him. 

 

What’s worse, for him to have made her feel like she was unqualified, oh. It burned him inside, how could he have done that to her? He was selfish, and his intentions were selfish, and he deserved to be crying right now, and he didn’t deserve her friendship, he didn’t deserve it. He hadn’t kept up on his end of the bargain, making her feel like that.

 

“You don’t have to apologize, Xefros. I get it, you were scared.”

 

He quieted himself down enough to hear her words; he owed his attention to whatever she had to say. He owed it to her.

 

Dammek was trying his best to console him, telling him that it was okay, and that he was okay, and that everything would be okay. Dammek was horrible at this, but at least he was trying. If Xefros had been him, he would’ve probably left the awkwardness right in the start and tried to selfishly avoid his obligations as the boyfriend who’s supposed to like, be there for times like this. He wouldn’t have tried at all, truth be told.

 

“If it had been me, if I had been in your shoes, experienced the hell that you did, I would’ve probably done the exact same thing. It’s okay, you don’t have to be sorry. I just wanted to let you know that I’m always here.”

 

Xefros nodded, trying to wipe away the tears. He needed to stop. He needed to speak.

 

“I know you are. You’ve always been there. You’re always there. That’s why I’m sorry - it wasn’t okay for me to keep that from you. I’m sorry, Joey.” He spoke shakily, but calmly. “I didn’t mean to make you feel like that. I panicked, I’m sorry. You’ve never given me a reason to think i had to cover anything up from you, you’ve never done anything that justifies…”

 

He sighed, his voice still wavering. “The fact that I hurt you like that.”

 

They continued talking, speaking heart to heart with each other, perhaps on an even deeper level than before. Through it all, Dammek remained, silent, observing, and for once, respectful of boundaries. He didn’t cut in on the conversation, didn’t shoot his opinion, didn’t comment on anything. He simply sat there, listening, completely out-of-character.

 

When he had bid Joey good-bye, and closed the video chat, it showed that they had been on the call for nearly two and a half hours. Xefros sighed and shut down the laptop.

 

He was overcome with both relief and a sense of peace, a pleasant combination of emotions he hadn’t experienced in what seemed like forever. He didn’t think any of this would be as rewarding as it ended up being. Joey was unphased by his orientation, because in the end, she had known all along, and they were able to mend a patch in their relationship that should’ve been addressed a long time ago.

 

Later that evening, when Dammek paused the movie they were watching, the two of them sat in silence for a few moments until Xefros had to ask what he had paused it for.

 

“I don’t want to get all mushy,” Dammek started, “because you know I hate that stuff. But I can’t stop thinking about it. If you were keeping a secret like that from Joey because you were afraid of her judging you…”

 

He shifted around on the sofa, so that instead of laying more on his back, he was on his side. Propping an elbow on the arm rest, he looked to Xefros, who was at the other end, sitting like a normal human being unlike Dammek. 

 

“Is there anything you’re not telling me? Anything you’re afraid to talk to me about?”

 

Xefros shook his head, of course, unable to recall anything he was purposefully hiding from Dammek. Was there anything? No, he guessed not, because Dammek never really got embarrassed over anything. There wasn’t much of a reason to hide anything from the guy.

 

Was he making Dammek feel the way Joey had felt?

 

“No, there’s nothing. Why? Does it seem like that?” Xefros inquired. Attentive, he turned to Dammek.

 

“No,” Dammek admitted. “I just wanted to make sure. I don’t know. Just… you can tell me anything, okay? Really. I know it… doesn’t always seem like it, but I’m here, too. I’ll never be Joey, but I mean… you don’t have to be afraid of….”

 

“Thank you.” Xefros said, cutting Dammek off as his words trailed. He smiled at the other, which earned him a smile in return. Dammek fumbled not-so-gracefully around and moved to the other end of the couch, joining Xefros by laying almost on top of him, kind of uncomfortably, but not to the point that Xefros wanted to push him off or anything. He was too polite for that, and so he let Dammek lay on his chest with his arms crossed to support his head.

 

Xefros placed his arms lightly around the other and sighed. He never thought the sound of the cars outside and the AC humming in the background could make for such a peaceful exchange. In this little apartment, in this city, in this world, he wasn’t Xefros the homosexual, and he wasn’t Xefros the gay guy, no, he was nothing like that. Here, in the calmness, here, with no one else but Dammek and no eyes to judge or to watch them, he was just Xefros, and Dammek was just Dammek, and they were nothing more.

 

Here, he felt the most comfortable, he could be natural, without anyone or anything else getting in the way. It was a peace they would likely never know outside these walls or the walls of Dammek’s home. The room was dark, save for the light of the TV screen, which was still paused with that movie that they needed to finish. In the low light, he noticed that Dammek had been staring at him, and so he looked away, flustered.

 

“What’s wrong?” Xefros asked quietly.

 

Dammek yawned. “Nothing. You were smiling.”

 

Oh, yeah, he probably had been smiling, it was just so peaceful. He was so relaxed.

 

“Sorry, kind of zoned out there. I can see why you were staring; I probably looked dumb, huh?” Xefros laughed, looking back at the other.

 

“Nah,” Dammek answered calmly. “You didn’t look dumb. I just really like it when you smile.”

 

Xefros felt his face grow warm and he tried this time, not to smile. He failed, he couldn’t help it. “Stop being mushy.”

 

“Yeah, okay, you’re right.”

 

With the TV still paused, the two sat in silence, Dammek seemed to be on the verge of falling asleep. Xefros moved a little bit so that he could lean into the couch more comfortably, making Dammek grunt in protest as this had apparently disturbed him. They were both falling asleep and would just have to finish the movie tomorrow.

 

“I love you.” Xefros said, settling so that he could doze off.

 

Dammek yawned his own “I love you,” into Xefros’s chest, sighing and drifting off.

 

Here, in this peace, with the cars outside and the soft hum of the AC, they could be who they were, and be nothing more.


End file.
